Click on the link below for all the photos.
http://photobucket.com/Kailey-turns-two
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Birthday was a huge success!!!!
Thanks to everyone for coming out to Kailey's special day. She had a blast visiting with everyone and we had a blast watching her enjoy her party. She is a very lucky little girl to have so many people care and love her.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Happy Birthday my Sweet
Well little girl...you are almost 2. I remember like yesterday the first time I heard your cry, it was 8:08pm and I knew from that precise moment that life would never be the same. What an absolute wonderful little lady you are becoming. I love everything...all of your new discoveries, your new words and phrases and how you truly know when I need a hug and an, 'I love you Mommy'. You are such a sweet gentle soul and kindness radiates from you. You are the kind of person that people gravitate towards because even being next to you just makes living in this world a whole lot better. I only hope I am living up to the Mom you deserve. Dream BIG honey...love until it hurts and always know that Daddy and I are here for you...always.xoxoxoxox
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Loss
--Good-bye to my little one that I carried for such a short time. I am sorry I couldn't protect you from whatever the reason of taking you away was. Most of all I am sorry you will never get to meet the precious big sister you would have had.
'An Angel wrote in the book of life, my baby's date of birth. Then whispered as she closed the book 'Too beautiful for Earth'
FOOTPRINTS
HOW VERY SOFTLY YOU TIPTOED INTO MY WORLD ALMOST SILENTLY, ONLY A MOMENT YOU STAYED; BUT WHAT AN IMPRINT YOUR FOOTSTEPS HAVE LEFT UPON MY HEART.
'An Angel wrote in the book of life, my baby's date of birth. Then whispered as she closed the book 'Too beautiful for Earth'
FOOTPRINTS
HOW VERY SOFTLY YOU TIPTOED INTO MY WORLD ALMOST SILENTLY, ONLY A MOMENT YOU STAYED; BUT WHAT AN IMPRINT YOUR FOOTSTEPS HAVE LEFT UPON MY HEART.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
How do I relax???
My God I am just sick waiting for tomorrow's ultrasound. 2pm cannot come fast enough. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders right now. I have been up since 4:15 this morning. I cannot believe how life-altering one visit can/will be...whether it is good news or bad news - things will be different for me by 2:30pm. I am so scared to have any hope whatsoever since I know the possible magnitude of emotions that will bombard me, but I am trying to remain optimistic on the off chance...what is the best way to deal with this? remain hopeful only to possibly get more crushed? I am at a loss. I am trying to sleep time away...the minute Kailey is asleep I take these ridiculously looong naps to mute my thoughts only to have them be fabricated in dreams. All I know is that this business of - 'everything happens for a reason' is not comforting me at all even though it 'should'...shouldn't it? What possible reason or lesson am I to take from this experience? I am trying really hard to be 'normal' in front of Kailey, but she is a very intuitive little munchkin and I know she is feeling some of my stress. I need this to be over one way or another so I can move on. I just want to feel 'normal' again.
Friday, October 10, 2008
update.
My appointment was at 10am today and here are the results from that:
My number are up 25% from Monday afternoon. While this is a good sign that they went up, however, they didn't go up as much as they would have expected for my dates. Still up is much much better than the same or down. He has handed my case over to one of the OBGYN's here that is very well respected and impossible to get in with...usually...and after a phone consult she is very eager to see the results of the ultrasound next week. My ultrasound appointment is for Wednesday at 2pm and then the next day I see Dr. Hansen at 2pm for the final 'yay or nay'. I will know after the ultrasound though. We should see a heartbeat and a fetus. They will then determine what to make of the blood clot as well.
Still a waiting game. Still a very remote chance that this could have a happy ending. Still completely exhausted physically and emotionally. At least I have an end, positive or otherwise, in sight.
My number are up 25% from Monday afternoon. While this is a good sign that they went up, however, they didn't go up as much as they would have expected for my dates. Still up is much much better than the same or down. He has handed my case over to one of the OBGYN's here that is very well respected and impossible to get in with...usually...and after a phone consult she is very eager to see the results of the ultrasound next week. My ultrasound appointment is for Wednesday at 2pm and then the next day I see Dr. Hansen at 2pm for the final 'yay or nay'. I will know after the ultrasound though. We should see a heartbeat and a fetus. They will then determine what to make of the blood clot as well.
Still a waiting game. Still a very remote chance that this could have a happy ending. Still completely exhausted physically and emotionally. At least I have an end, positive or otherwise, in sight.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
I need some strength.
I decided that I need to update you on my emotional roller-coaster of a week I have had thus far. Some of you know the details others may be finding out for the first time. I find writing to this BLOG therapeutic and writing allows me a way to vent my emotions and compartmentalize all the facts. This is my blog – my thoughts.
I did a pregnancy test on September 12 that was a faint positive and in true ‘Shari-fashion’ I needed to verify this result with another more expensive test which I did Sunday. All three of my tests came back with the same positive result. I was shocked since I know how hard and long it took to conceive Kailey Bear, and we were not trying, but were not ‘actively not’ trying if that makes sense. Needless to say I wanted to talk to my Dr. before telling people and his office managed to get me in for a quick pre-natal counselling appointment. 'Yes…you are pregnant and based on the known first day of your LMP you are due May 22'.
Now comes the truly terrifying part….
This past weekend I have had bleeding off and on and Monday at work I knew something was not right (without getting into too much detail), so I decide to make a trip to Emergency if not for anything else, but to get a little reassurance from either an ultrasound or blood work or something. I knew that bleeding was not all horrible since I spent the first Trimester with Kailey on bed rest off and on due to this. Everyone knows how wonderful that outcome was…a vibrant beautiful - almost two year old. Emerg. Was packed, but I lucked out and got the female OBGYN from Bonnyville that was filling in…phew. She immediately did an internal and found my cervix to be closed but indeed bleeding was present from there. She got the lab on wheels to come and do blood work (10 vials of blood later) she called over to ultrasound and and they could squeeze me in. That is where the terror begins to manifest itself. She asked me how far long I should be…I told her that my approx. due date is May 22. and she then turned the monitor to herself and made a face. I knew this was not good. She was searching and searching and what seemed like hours she asked if I could possible have my dates wrong. I said maybe out a day or tow tops …why? She told me that she can only see a gestational sack without a fetal pole/heartbeat. You should see this at 6 weeks. I was more than far along enough (7.5 weeks). The sac measures 5 weeks. She performed another more evasive ultrasound for 45 minutes!!!! Still nothing. She sent the results to the on call Dr. who then took me to a little room in the back of the Hospital to counsel me. She told me she is 90% certain given the results that I have had a missed abortion/miscarriage that we will have to medically take care of since my body is retaining it. The glimmer of hope she gave me was the 10% that I really could have screwed my dates up…NOT likely since I did the three tests around the time I would have conceived and it would be way too early to get a positive result obviously. I almost fainted…alone and scared…. The next step is to perform another HCG blood test 48 hours later and if there is a drop in number than I have most certainly miscarried and at that point the procedure with begin.
That brings me to today. My Dr.’s office called last night and I went in to see my Dr. at 12:30…a taxi cab is taking my blood test to Bonnyville (we missed the Courier that comes) and this evening or tomorrow am he will be calling me with my numbers. I have a 2nd ultrasound booked for next Friday. My Dr. is not giving up without a fight he said. He wants more proof/evidence. He knows the likelihood obviously, but waiting one more week will ensure there most definitely is not a baby, at least not a living one. It is also discovered that I have a blood clot on the other side of the pregnancy sac. This will have to be investigated further. My hormone level, by the way, from my first test came back in the 138,000’s which is high for 5 weeks – more like 8ish weeks, but there is quite a window to work with. This gives them a baseling to work with and since this number is supposed to rapidly increase by the day we should see this on the next test.
Now I wait…and try to stay sane. The logical side of me knows exactly what is going on, but the emotional side of me is hoping on hope. I know the ‘facts’…and the statistics and I find ZERO comfort in them. I know this is natures way of eliminating an unhealthy pregnancy (well with some medical intervention since my body is hanging on to this for dear life apparently). These factoids do not comfort me. I know that is the first thing that we try to do as nurturing people, but it honestly does nothing for me but make me even sadder that someone else has had to go through the emotional trauma of this. I love this unborn child as small as he or she is, and this feeling cannot quite be explained in words so I am not even going to attempt it. I know how very lucky we are to have Kailey…that is something I never for one minute take for granted…she is my love…my everything. This is a new being that has taken a part of my heart I didn’t know I had. I assumed that my ‘heart‘ could not be filled with more, but it expanded to make room for another.
It is only fair that I keep you updated that is why I chose to post this. I am too emotionally drained for phone calls and at times I do not like who I am right now (I am so angry).
I did a pregnancy test on September 12 that was a faint positive and in true ‘Shari-fashion’ I needed to verify this result with another more expensive test which I did Sunday. All three of my tests came back with the same positive result. I was shocked since I know how hard and long it took to conceive Kailey Bear, and we were not trying, but were not ‘actively not’ trying if that makes sense. Needless to say I wanted to talk to my Dr. before telling people and his office managed to get me in for a quick pre-natal counselling appointment. 'Yes…you are pregnant and based on the known first day of your LMP you are due May 22'.
Now comes the truly terrifying part….
This past weekend I have had bleeding off and on and Monday at work I knew something was not right (without getting into too much detail), so I decide to make a trip to Emergency if not for anything else, but to get a little reassurance from either an ultrasound or blood work or something. I knew that bleeding was not all horrible since I spent the first Trimester with Kailey on bed rest off and on due to this. Everyone knows how wonderful that outcome was…a vibrant beautiful - almost two year old. Emerg. Was packed, but I lucked out and got the female OBGYN from Bonnyville that was filling in…phew. She immediately did an internal and found my cervix to be closed but indeed bleeding was present from there. She got the lab on wheels to come and do blood work (10 vials of blood later) she called over to ultrasound and and they could squeeze me in. That is where the terror begins to manifest itself. She asked me how far long I should be…I told her that my approx. due date is May 22. and she then turned the monitor to herself and made a face. I knew this was not good. She was searching and searching and what seemed like hours she asked if I could possible have my dates wrong. I said maybe out a day or tow tops …why? She told me that she can only see a gestational sack without a fetal pole/heartbeat. You should see this at 6 weeks. I was more than far along enough (7.5 weeks). The sac measures 5 weeks. She performed another more evasive ultrasound for 45 minutes!!!! Still nothing. She sent the results to the on call Dr. who then took me to a little room in the back of the Hospital to counsel me. She told me she is 90% certain given the results that I have had a missed abortion/miscarriage that we will have to medically take care of since my body is retaining it. The glimmer of hope she gave me was the 10% that I really could have screwed my dates up…NOT likely since I did the three tests around the time I would have conceived and it would be way too early to get a positive result obviously. I almost fainted…alone and scared…. The next step is to perform another HCG blood test 48 hours later and if there is a drop in number than I have most certainly miscarried and at that point the procedure with begin.
That brings me to today. My Dr.’s office called last night and I went in to see my Dr. at 12:30…a taxi cab is taking my blood test to Bonnyville (we missed the Courier that comes) and this evening or tomorrow am he will be calling me with my numbers. I have a 2nd ultrasound booked for next Friday. My Dr. is not giving up without a fight he said. He wants more proof/evidence. He knows the likelihood obviously, but waiting one more week will ensure there most definitely is not a baby, at least not a living one. It is also discovered that I have a blood clot on the other side of the pregnancy sac. This will have to be investigated further. My hormone level, by the way, from my first test came back in the 138,000’s which is high for 5 weeks – more like 8ish weeks, but there is quite a window to work with. This gives them a baseling to work with and since this number is supposed to rapidly increase by the day we should see this on the next test.
Now I wait…and try to stay sane. The logical side of me knows exactly what is going on, but the emotional side of me is hoping on hope. I know the ‘facts’…and the statistics and I find ZERO comfort in them. I know this is natures way of eliminating an unhealthy pregnancy (well with some medical intervention since my body is hanging on to this for dear life apparently). These factoids do not comfort me. I know that is the first thing that we try to do as nurturing people, but it honestly does nothing for me but make me even sadder that someone else has had to go through the emotional trauma of this. I love this unborn child as small as he or she is, and this feeling cannot quite be explained in words so I am not even going to attempt it. I know how very lucky we are to have Kailey…that is something I never for one minute take for granted…she is my love…my everything. This is a new being that has taken a part of my heart I didn’t know I had. I assumed that my ‘heart‘ could not be filled with more, but it expanded to make room for another.
It is only fair that I keep you updated that is why I chose to post this. I am too emotionally drained for phone calls and at times I do not like who I am right now (I am so angry).
Saturday, October 04, 2008
Connor Turns Two...
Kailey was such a little charmer/party animal at Connor's 2Nd Birthday party tonight. It was so great to see these two interact with each other again and it seems like yesterday that we were packing her up to go to his party last year. The main difference between them this year is the toys they play with. It was so funny to see all the 'boy' toys opposed to all the dolls and tea party sets we have here. Last year at this time they pretty much were into the same sort of things. Kailey appreciated the variety of toys and all the people to interact with. They played awesome together and I was so proud of Kailey when he was opening all his gifts. She just sat back and watched and tried to sing Happy Birthday....again and again. When it came to cake time I fumbled and dropped my cake on the floor and she had to go around the room to tell everyone..'oh-no..Mom..cake..oh-no'. As if I wasn't embarrassed enough. hahaha
Kailey's new big-girl bedding.
We are slowly starting to changeover Miss K's bedroom from Baby Girl to Young Lady (ok, how about Toddler Girl). This is the bedding I have ordered along with some stick up dots for the walls. I may have to get the brown and pink lady bugs too. Soon she will be all cuddled up in her big-girl bed with her blankie that she is still very much attached to. I am hopeful the transition from her crib to Twin bed is somewhat smooth...fingers crossed. She seems to have adapted very well to sleeping in a big girl bed when we are in Edmonton, but we shall see how this goes over in her own room.
How I define Success.
This morning Jack went to Tim Horton's to pick us up some of the new Spiced Pumpkin baked goods and out of the blue my icing faced little girl looked back at her Dad and said, "Thank-You Daddy" and flashed a big toothy grin at him. To me, there is no better feeling of success than a non-prompted show of manners/appreciation!!
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)