I decided that I need to update you on my emotional roller-coaster of a week I have had thus far. Some of you know the details others may be finding out for the first time. I find writing to this BLOG therapeutic and writing allows me a way to vent my emotions and compartmentalize all the facts. This is my blog – my thoughts.
I did a pregnancy test on September 12 that was a faint positive and in true ‘Shari-fashion’ I needed to verify this result with another more expensive test which I did Sunday. All three of my tests came back with the same positive result. I was shocked since I know how hard and long it took to conceive Kailey Bear, and we were not trying, but were not ‘actively not’ trying if that makes sense. Needless to say I wanted to talk to my Dr. before telling people and his office managed to get me in for a quick pre-natal counselling appointment. 'Yes…you are pregnant and based on the known first day of your LMP you are due May 22'.
Now comes the truly terrifying part….
This past weekend I have had bleeding off and on and Monday at work I knew something was not right (without getting into too much detail), so I decide to make a trip to Emergency if not for anything else, but to get a little reassurance from either an ultrasound or blood work or something. I knew that bleeding was not all horrible since I spent the first Trimester with Kailey on bed rest off and on due to this. Everyone knows how wonderful that outcome was…a vibrant beautiful - almost two year old. Emerg. Was packed, but I lucked out and got the female OBGYN from Bonnyville that was filling in…phew. She immediately did an internal and found my cervix to be closed but indeed bleeding was present from there. She got the lab on wheels to come and do blood work (10 vials of blood later) she called over to ultrasound and and they could squeeze me in. That is where the terror begins to manifest itself. She asked me how far long I should be…I told her that my approx. due date is May 22. and she then turned the monitor to herself and made a face. I knew this was not good. She was searching and searching and what seemed like hours she asked if I could possible have my dates wrong. I said maybe out a day or tow tops …why? She told me that she can only see a gestational sack without a fetal pole/heartbeat. You should see this at 6 weeks. I was more than far along enough (7.5 weeks). The sac measures 5 weeks. She performed another more evasive ultrasound for 45 minutes!!!! Still nothing. She sent the results to the on call Dr. who then took me to a little room in the back of the Hospital to counsel me. She told me she is 90% certain given the results that I have had a missed abortion/miscarriage that we will have to medically take care of since my body is retaining it. The glimmer of hope she gave me was the 10% that I really could have screwed my dates up…NOT likely since I did the three tests around the time I would have conceived and it would be way too early to get a positive result obviously. I almost fainted…alone and scared…. The next step is to perform another HCG blood test 48 hours later and if there is a drop in number than I have most certainly miscarried and at that point the procedure with begin.
That brings me to today. My Dr.’s office called last night and I went in to see my Dr. at 12:30…a taxi cab is taking my blood test to Bonnyville (we missed the Courier that comes) and this evening or tomorrow am he will be calling me with my numbers. I have a 2nd ultrasound booked for next Friday. My Dr. is not giving up without a fight he said. He wants more proof/evidence. He knows the likelihood obviously, but waiting one more week will ensure there most definitely is not a baby, at least not a living one. It is also discovered that I have a blood clot on the other side of the pregnancy sac. This will have to be investigated further. My hormone level, by the way, from my first test came back in the 138,000’s which is high for 5 weeks – more like 8ish weeks, but there is quite a window to work with. This gives them a baseling to work with and since this number is supposed to rapidly increase by the day we should see this on the next test.
Now I wait…and try to stay sane. The logical side of me knows exactly what is going on, but the emotional side of me is hoping on hope. I know the ‘facts’…and the statistics and I find ZERO comfort in them. I know this is natures way of eliminating an unhealthy pregnancy (well with some medical intervention since my body is hanging on to this for dear life apparently). These factoids do not comfort me. I know that is the first thing that we try to do as nurturing people, but it honestly does nothing for me but make me even sadder that someone else has had to go through the emotional trauma of this. I love this unborn child as small as he or she is, and this feeling cannot quite be explained in words so I am not even going to attempt it. I know how very lucky we are to have Kailey…that is something I never for one minute take for granted…she is my love…my everything. This is a new being that has taken a part of my heart I didn’t know I had. I assumed that my ‘heart‘ could not be filled with more, but it expanded to make room for another.
It is only fair that I keep you updated that is why I chose to post this. I am too emotionally drained for phone calls and at times I do not like who I am right now (I am so angry).
