A wave a grief :-(

I was doing so well, I was so strong...I thought. A wave a grief hit me about 30 minutes ago like a brick wall. I miss being pregnant....I miss everything about it. What was my trigger? The Maple Flag planning meeting is going on right now and I know that I will be here for Maple Flag this year and not on Maternity Leave with my newborn and my Kailey. Trigger number one. Trigger number 2 came when I finally told the ladies at my favorite kids store in the mall last night. I have been avoiding that one to the point that I was faking that I was still pregnant the last 2 times I had to run in and get something. Trigger three came yesterday afternoon when I checked my voice mail and Dr. Stander's office called to confirm if they could go ahead and cancel my pre-natal appointments. I was doing so well. Why is this happening to me? I am a good person...I know I am. I try to be the best possible Mother I can be. It is not fair...it is not fair that some people can sneeze and be pregnant and the word miscarriage never crosses their mind. All of my symptoms have disappeared now. This all seems surreal to me now. Why didn't I embrace the symptoms more? I know that sounds silly, but I crave the feeling of 'life' I had just a short time ago. I feel like my heart is breaking for the first time. I was told that grief comes in waves. I thought maybe I could avoid that and just go right to the feeling of being healed. Do I have to do everything text book? I don't want to forget that little one that could have been, but I just want to not hurt. Sad seems like such a weak word for what I am feeling right now.